It has been a challenging week around here. Dad received some upsetting news and although
we won’t talk specifically about it, I want to talk about how he is handling
it.
My Dad’s parents seemed to be extremely patient individuals,
even-mannered as well. That’s not to say
they didn’t get upset or emotional. I recall a few times when Grandma or
Grandpa would get upset about certain issues.
But they had a unique ability to turn even the most negative experiences
in to something positive. They were masters
at extrapolating goodness from almost any scenario. I learned that ability from them and from my
father and his brother, my Uncle. It is
this same character that Dad is now emulating in his response to something that
would get most people riled up and ready for war. He spoke to me of his initial response which
was to cut off all persons associated with this news and move on. Then he decided to not discuss the issue unless
it is brought up – at which time the associated person(s) would meet a consequence
of rather huge proportion. Dad would cut
them off completely.
I am proud of my Dad for his response even as I struggle
with my response. In his wise words he
said to me, “We know the truth”. Marcus
Aurelius wrote, “Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we
see is a perspective, not the truth.”
Both Mom and Dad taught me that there are two sides to every story and
the truth lies somewhere in the middle.
It is only when both sides understand this that true reconciliation can
occur. It comes down to making positive
ethical choices.
There are two ways to think about individual ethical
decision making—the prescriptive approach and the descriptive approach. The prescriptive approach is the way we think
about making those ethical choices in life.
Descriptive approach offers decision-making tools that prescribe your
decision based on your moral agent. It
asks the thinker to carefully consider and get the most out of our ethical
decision. The descriptive approach is a
little less perfect in nature in that the choices are typically made with
cognitive biases that usually keep us from making the best decisions. Most decisions that are ethical in nature are
relatively easy to make because we have a built-in system of what is right vs.
wrong. The issue is when you have to
choose between two alternatives that are equally distasteful. Its difficulty lies in the fact that there
are several important rights or values or even obligations to consider and
sometimes you may feel like you are caught in a no-win situation.
My father taught me an amazing tool to make ethical
decisions. When faced with a difficult
decision that is descriptive in nature, simply take a piece of paper with a
line down the middle. Choose a decision
and write that on the top of the paper. On
one side write all the positive consequences and negative ones, write on the other
side. Do this for each possible
decision. It will outline and give you a
visual understanding of the situation and will help you make the best,
intelligent, moral-centered decision. It
has worked wonderfully for me over the years.
My father is an amazing man with a capacity to love beyond
words. His love for mom continues to
this day and is a vital part of his day-to-day activities. His love is based on what is morally right in
his heart and head. He carefully weighs
every decision and has rarely been known to make sudden and not thought-through
decisions (although I’m told that in his youth that was not the case). He also taught us to carefully weigh the consequences
of every single action we make. His way
of saying it was this: “Don’t ever do
something you would not want to be caught dead doing”. When you think about it, that’s a pretty
powerful description. We read about
movie stars who die doing things they really didn’t want us knowing they
did. It completely taints their image
and forever rules any publicity. David
Carradine – case in point.
So this week many of us in our immediate family were called
upon, involuntarily, to make a tough ethical decision. Each of us will make our own decision based
on our biases, experiences, wants, needs and desires. We make them based on our understanding of
situations and our foresight of consequences.
Some of us will follow Dad’s lead while others may not make the same
decision will still base it on the many lessons we have learned from this
amazing man of character and faith.
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